Saving lives through the tragic loss of Josh Spilman by talking about mental illness

On Monday, January 21, 2019, exactly one year to the day that this paper was printed, Josh Spilman lost his life to suicide. At only 34 years of age, Josh had three beautiful children that he adored, a mother and father who treasured him, sisters who looked up to him, extended family that loved him deeply, and friends who cherished him. He was known as a happy person who gave his life to the fire service for seven years and volunteered himself to those in need. He had an infectious smile and a big laugh. Unless you knew him, you wouldn’t have known that he was suffering with mental illness.

That is precisely the reason why the Spilman family wishes to speak to fellow community members to share this story because it can be anyone’s story. Over the last 365 days, Josh’s parents, Marianne and Hal Spilman, have suffered in a way that no parent should. “It’s difficult to explain all that comes with it because suicide is different than other deaths. It’s hard to comprehend that someone is so distraught that they take their life, but we have learned there is so much more to it than your mental state and the things going on in your life. The person comes to an emotional state they cannot at that time overcome.”

Marianne hopes others can learn from what they now suffer with each day so her son’s passing can leave positive change in its wake. “Seeing professionals is important and sometimes having to take medication is necessary. The most important help is family and friends staying close and talking daily about the good and bad things. It puts everything into perspective.” That perspective is the one thing that those who commit suicide tend to not have as they get caught in a moment and cannot see beyond it. 

Josh’s sister Heidi Spilman said Josh felt alone even though he had so many people around him. “He was so emotionally exhausted that he felt he had no way out. Since his suicide my family has been using that platform to talk and be open. We have to take the stigma away about talking and not worrying about feeling judged.” She said she wants people to understand the feeling of wishing you would have said something is not a feeling you want to hold onto for the rest of your life. “Dont ever let a situation go by where you felt like you could have said something or acted. Getting involved is important. You just have to hope over time they will see the love behind your actions and, if not, then at least they will still be here, alive.”

Heidi said that in his final week he cut everyone out because he was spiralling. “He told everyone to stay out of it or he wouldn’t talk to anyone anymore. People didn’t get involved because they thought that was the better option than him not talking to us, but we all wish that we would have done more because him not talking to us and being mad at us is way better than him not being in this world.” Sister Brittney Spilman continued that sentiment saying that showing up even when they push away is a big deal. “Don’t take it personally because the ones who love you the most can sometimes treat you the worst when they are trying to overcome their battles. Dealing with so many emotions at once is physically and emotionally exhausting and it is difficult to navigate alone.”

Josh’s sister Melissa Hansen said it’s important to stay involved. “It’s a crucial time in life if there is an overload of stress. Decisions will be made that are not normal. Knowing this now, if someone can’t handle stress and has a lot going on, he or she needs to communicate with you instead of letting it build up. Making sure your loved ones take their medications as prescribed and have an outlet to de-stress are things you can do to help.”

The last year has been filled with unimaginable sorrow for the family. “Josh had a great purpose in our family. To see my parents hurt and cry is heartbreaking and there is nothing I can do to make the hurt stop. It’s been a year of coming to terms with life without Josh. I still cry and miss him more everyday, but it’s true how grief is, the sad times do get less in between. There are more good days than bad now.”

Her daughter, Krysten Hansen, Josh’s niece, wants to tell others not to give up. “Sometimes we get in such a dark place mentality and we think that suicide is our only out. We have lots of downs in our lives, but we also have so many more ups. One of my favourite quotes is by Bob Ross which is, “If you have light on light, you have nothing. If you have dark on dark, you basically have nothing. Just like in life. You have to have a little sadness, so you know when the good times come.” So, how I try to think now is that there are always good times to come so don’t give up because you deserve to see and cherish those good times.”

For family members struggling to know how to help someone who is dealing with mental illness, Krysten said to listen without judgement. “Just try to concentrate on the person’s needs. You don’t always have to completely understand; just be there to talk to and be that someone who is going to be there.” Just a few short months after Josh died, Krysten overdosed and spent a week in the hospital locally before being transferred to a psychiatric hospital.

“I was so scared because I’d never been to a place like that and I was also a little bit ashamed that I let myself get to that point and I didn’t want many people knowing I was there. I stayed in the hospital for about six weeks and it was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had. What I learned is that I didn’t need to be ashamed to be there. It’s no different than going to the hospital for a broken arm. It’s just a hospital for your brain.” Krysten is a hero to talk about it. She is part of the important movement to normalize mental illness so that those who need support can do so without fear of judgement.

From morning coffees with his mom watching the latest funny videos, to working with his dad for 12 years, playing with his children, laughing with his sisters, and building memories with his extended family members, Josh’s loss is immeasurable. In his memory, the Spilman’s ask that families talk, listen, and support each other. “If anyone is feeling suicidal take that person seriously. Those thoughts don’t cross a person’s mind without really thinking about it. Stay with the person or take to a hospital. Suicidal thoughts can come and go but helping someone even though it can be exhausting is worth it because you won’t have to suffer the loss,” said Melissa.

Crisis Services Canada is available to support those who need to talk by calling toll-free 1-833-456-4566 everyday.  If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 911. Do it for Spilly.