The impact of suicide and one family’s mission to keep others from feeling their pain

Would it be a red flag if a friend or family member started acting out of character, joking about darker subjects like suicide, or finding the negative in everything? What about if they said they weren’t sleeping well? What if they were starting to drink too much? What if they started pushing people away, not wanting to do things they usually would? What if they were doing more risky behaviours and self-destructive things like driving recklessly or doing drugs? Or, what about mood swings where they are emotionally high one day and low the next?

The Mayo Clinic lists these scenarios and more as potential warning signs to look out for in those who might be heavily depressed and contemplating suicide. Though warning signs aren’t always obvious and vary from one person to the next, some make their intentions clear. Even just thinking about suicide without the thought of causing harm is reason enough to speak to someone.

Though lower than in previous years, the stigma around depression and suicide is still a problem in today’s society. The shame that seems to follow mental health is prevalent even though many people deal with it. The Canadian Government website says that roughly eleven percent of men and sixteen percent of women will experience major depression throughout their lives. For suicide, rates are approximately three times higher among men than women, and roughly eleven Canadians die by suicide each day.

Even without the restrictions and mandates and resulting job losses that have affected so many, depression affects millions. Add in all the rest of it, and it’s no wonder that over 38 percent of Canadians, who self-reported their conditions, said their mental health declined due to the pandemic, with one in five reporting moderate-to-severe anxiety (Mental Health Commission of Canada).

For the Spilman family, suffering from the loss of their loved one, Joshua Spilman (January 21, 2019) is something they wish on no one. Each year, they graciously accept an invitation to spread the message of how important mental health is. “People don’t put as much focus on their mental health. It’s getting better, though. I know some workplaces have courses to help people learn how to help each other. The more places that put that kind of help out, the more people will see it and get helped. People have to see that it’s acceptable and normal to reach out for that help,” said Melissa Hansen, Joshua’s sister.

She said that in talking with others who have lost loved ones to suicide following depression, Hansen learned that many people who follow through with attempts on their lives are the same. “My brother was a helper. I think that type of person doesn’t expect anything back, and people don’t think they need anything back, but obviously, they do. It’s just not always clear to those around them.”

Joshua’s sister Brittney Spilman-Levy said that the global rise in suicides each year shows it’s a hidden epidemic. “Losing my brother to suicide has been painful and distressing. I always try to spread awareness along my way, whether participating in marathons or becoming more aware. A program called QPR (Question, Persuade, Refer) is offered online that provides innovative and practical suicide prevention training. It also explores the stigma surrounding suicide, including identifying warning signs, persuading somebody to seek professional help/support, and accessing help in your local area. The more educated we become, we can share that knowledge and may be able to help someone along the way.”

Heidi Spilman said her brother was generous and kind. She noted his biggest gift was his ability to make people laugh. “He loved to joke and carry on and act silly. From that, you wouldn’t think a person could be low and depressed because that’s not funny or fun to talk about. That’s the biggest thing I’ve learned from losing him. We need not just share our joy but also our pain. Don’t be afraid to talk.”

Sharing their grief and some resources and things they’ve learned along the way is a solace for them. “The reason we are doing this in the paper is because if we help one person who might be in the same situation and it makes a difference, then that’s important,” explained Joshua’s mom, Marianne Spilman. “We want to make sure that no other family has to feel what we are feeling and bury someone they love because of suicide.”

She said that the more people talk and remove the stigma surrounding mental health, the more people will reach out for help because they won’t feel judged. She also said that there could be a shame for the surviving family and a wanting to hide it away, but that doesn’t help bring the issue forward. “We can’t change the past, but we can try and help others. Looking back, it was almost like the nose on my face the things happening with Joshua. I used to be the peacemaker, and a lot of my ideas were really old in that if you don’t talk a lot about it, it will go away. I learned that isn’t helpful. Sometimes we think that it will be touchy or that talking to them will upset them more, but now, my husband will say things like, why didn’t I talk to him that night?”

Marianne said that sometimes it might feel like you shouldn’t say anything because the person has a family or others around them. “Forget all that. Just talk to them, whether it’s your son or daughter, or neighbour, or coworker. It’s one human being to another human being.” She said that hearing from someone that one of the yearly articles helped their loved one proves why it is so important to keep the conversation going. “If some good can come out of the tragedy, then that’s all we want.”

Joshua’s niece Brooklyn said that her uncle left a significant impact on people, even strangers. “He took the step to become a firefighter so he could save more people. My uncle saved me countless times, even after he was gone. Spreading mental health awareness isn’t always easy, but keeping his name alive and talking about it could save someone else. I will never forget the person that he was.”

Whether he was plunking away at a guitar during a backyard barbeque, with a frisbee instead of a pic, or helping shovel driveways after a colossal snowstorm, Joshua brought humour with him everywhere he went. His big, bright smile was contagious, as was his laugh. Though it might not have been evident on the outside, on the inside, Joshua was hurting. Many people try and hide their emotions, but some signs typically show, as mentioned at the beginning of this article. “We miss him like crazy. In the 34 years that he was here with us, Joshua certainly made an impact with how he lived his life, and he is still making an impact with his story. Depression and mental health are not taboo. Talk with your friends, loved ones, and coworkers. If you see something, say something. It could make all the difference in their life,” said Marianne.

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call the Canada Suicide Prevention Service at 1-833-456-4566, anytime day or night. Kids Help Phone is accessible by dialling 1-800-668-6868 or texting CONNECT to 686868. The service is available to Canadians aged five to 29.

The Hope for Wellness Help Line is for all Indigenous peoples across Canada. Call 1-855-242-3310 (toll-free). If you are a Canadian Armed Forces member or a family member of one, call 1-800-268-7708 day or night. If you or someone is in imminent danger, please call 9-1-1.