A mother’s battle cry to bring forward the change that could’ve saved her children, beating loudly one drum beat at time

When it comes to whipping a crowd into a frenzy at a hockey game, there’s nothing quite like someone beating on a drum. The sound of each thump, beating louder and louder, has a profound effect on fans, bringing them to their feet, cheering for their team. It’s like a battle cry, and it works. Tracy Stark hopes that her heartbeat, beating loud as a drum, as her battle cry, will be heard far and wide as she fights for change. An unspeakable loss led her to this place when in mid-December 2016, her two beautiful young sons, Ryder Patryk and Radek Stryker, were killed by their father in a murder-suicide.

The hell she awoke to is a place no parent should ever be. The anger that consumed her was relentless. Her husband, Brent Stark, helped her connect with registered marriage and family therapist Sandra Young Kolbuc, who was precisely who Stark needed to help guide her through her immense grief.

“Through our therapy, Sandra told me I had a voice and a story to tell that could change lives, and I agreed. I wasn’t a writer, so I asked her if she would write my story as my therapist,” explained Stark. The women began a three-year writing period which culminated with the recent release of their book, Gross Misconduct: Hitting From Behind. “We start from where we lost the boys, to my path of where I am now and my healing process with her as my therapist. When people read the book, they get the therapy as well. Many people have said the therapy in the book helped with reading my story but in their lives too.”

For Kolbuc, writing a book with her patient was a careful decision. “I was thinking, can I do this? And then I said, of course, I can, if it’s in my client’s best interest, and it was. Tracy decided that day the boys died that they were going to make a difference in this world, and this book is one of the ways that is happening.”

The book walks readers through the tragic loss of Ryder and Radek and into the courageous path their mother now walks in their memory. Stark hopes that sharing her story can help others find their voice. “I want women and men to have this book be an awareness to not just sit back and let things happen. There are warning signs that a child is in trouble, and they need to speak up,” said Stark.

The writing process was therapeutic for Stark, and Kolbuc credits it as bringing about a life-changing shift in her. “Tracy was so full of rage and understandably so. Trauma is in the body. It’s in the nervous system. What many people do is check out and dissociate. It’s too much for the nervous system. But that doesn’t heal the way titrating it does. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt anymore, but you can move to a place where you are moving forward in a very powerful way,” explained Kolbuc.

For Stark, putting words to her experience gave her a voice. One big part was a letter she wrote to the boy’s father expressing everything she wanted to say to him but never got to. “I never got to say any last words to him because he did what he did. I had so many things to say and questions to ask. It’s not a nice letter, but it is everything I wanted to say to him. That was life-changing for me.”

Stark said she wants to see changes and more focus put on children. “When the biological parent isn’t right for the child, they still have a right to that child, and no one listens to the kid, and the kids are sitting in silence and fear. I want the children to have a voice to protect themselves. I want the system to change and listen to what’s best for the children, not for a mom or a dad.” She also wants to see changes within Child Protective Services. “I had written them a letter with a list of things going on at their dad’s house, and they did nothing about it. I want the system to look at the children, and I don’t know why they are overlooked because, in many circumstances, the children pay the ultimate price. My kids were just pushed to the side, and now they’re not here.”

Like the banging of a drum, Stark and Kolbuc hope their rally call is heard and that more people join.” If people can rally around that at a hockey game, then they can rally around the boys, and Tracy and Brent,” said Kolbuc. With a garage full of books and eagerness to get them into the hands of the public, Stark and Kolbuc are doing book launches. They recently did one in Edmonton at Wolfe Cadillac, and both said it was a phenomenal experience. “Some people came up and couldn’t speak, and Tracy would get up out of her chair and hug them. It was emotional,” said Kolbuc. Both wrote personal paragraphs in many of the books they signed, and tears were shed. “It was more than I could’ve imagined,” said Stark.

Their next book launch is this weekend, on May 28 and 29, at the Whitecourt Golf and Country Club from 11 am to 4 pm each day. “When people come to support, I feel that I owe them as much as they give me. That support has gotten me through these five and half years,” said Stark. “I feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel through such a tragedy. So many process death differently, and losing a child is one of the hardest things you can get through in life, but there is a light. I want to share that message with the world.”

As each missed milestone goes by that Ryder and Radek don’t get to reach, the drum beats louder and louder as Stark fights to keep her boys at the forefront of change. Her love for them guides her every move. “They’re still my children. I’m still taking care of them and protecting them from different perspectives. They will always be my children, and I’m always looking out for their best interests as if they were still here. I just do it differently. But I’m still protecting their honour.”

Their book Gross Misconduct: Hitting From Behind is available at the Whitecourt & District Public Library, both for rent and purchase, at online retailers, and will also be on sale at the Whitecourt book launch. Along with hats and other items for purchase, cups blazoned with the R&R logo will be there too. They come with a Stark Spirit cocktail when purchased, allowing people to ‘cheers’ the boys. R&R stickers will also be available to grab, a worldwide movement that Stark cherishes. “These stickers gave my boys wings to see the world. It took them to places that they will never get to go.” Since the movement launched, over 6,000 stickers have been printed, and Stark gives them out for free. “Ryder and Radek are in their hearts at that moment as they place the sticker. I feel like it gives great justice to my boys and their legacy. The stickers were one of the biggest parts of my healing.”

A month before Ryder and his brother passed away, Stark had wanted the boys to move back to Whitecourt. “Ryder said he really liked his hockey team and felt that was where he was supposed to be, even knowing he was in a bad place at his dad’s. That’s what a team is supposed to do. To support you and lift you. I can feel what Ryder felt then. I have one heck of a team, and it keeps getting bigger and bigger. I’m so honoured and thankful. I can’t say thank you enough.” 

To purchase a book or get stickers, email Tracy Stark at tstark2014@outlook.com or attend their book launch at the Whitecourt Golf & Curling Club on May 28 and 29 from 11 am until 4 pm. To learn more, visit www.grossmisconducthittingfrombehind.com.