Finding mom: an adoption journey

By Valerie Winger

My friend, Laurie, is adopted. After watching her start and stop the process of finding her birth mother for several years, I decided to get involved. I had been very focused on my work and needed a chance to give back and do something giving that was outside of my career.

Finding a person’s birth parents is not an easy process, but as any of my friends and family will tell you, I am gracefully tenacious! That trait paid off because I found Laurie’s birth mother!

Being on this journey with my friend and witnessing its successful completion has been a personal highlight for me over these past few months, and I know that finally getting to meet her mother has provided Laurie with the closure and the answers she has sought for decades. I’m happy I got to help.

In her own words, Laurie shares what the journey has been like for her, and what happened when she spoke with her birth mother.

“I felt as if something was missing and I often wondered if my mother thought about me on my birthday or anytime. I wanted to know my parents’ stories of how I came to be, and why I was adopted.

“Growing up, you fantasize about wonderful people in love that just couldn’t keep you because it was the 60s and they were hippies… perhaps it was free love? I also wondered who I looked like. As I was growing up, I saw all these families and how they looked like each other in some ways. I never had that and it made me want to find my birth parents even more. I wanted to have 10 kids just so I could have people around that looked like me!

“Finding my mother was a scary process that I started quite a few times but when I heard of people being rejected by their birth parents, I would put the brakes on. But, when I would hear of a successful reunion, I would be more determined than ever.

“Finally, Valerie said, ‘I’m going to find your birth mother for you!’ I said, ‘Go ahead,’ and gave her all the information I had collected. I remained a third party and let her take charge. I guess I did that in case there was a rejection; I wouldn’t be alone or the only one affected by it. It was like a shared emotion which made the process so much easier.

“Valerie found my birth mother.

“When my birth mother texted me her phone number and said I could call her, I don’t think I can explain the flood of emotions that I felt. I was excited that she wanted to talk to me but worried about what she might have to say. I had a million questions after 50 years of wondering. The first call felt awkward for about five minutes, but once we established that this was happening, we connected.

“She was wonderful and, I think, as happy as I was to finally be in touch. She wanted to know if I am a happy person, if I have a good life, if I have kids – it seemed as if she had a million questions for me, as well. She was happy to answer my many questions as I was hers.

“She explained the circumstance of my adoption, how she left Winnipeg to come to Edmonton to have me, and how her mother was the only person who knew I existed. She had kept me a secret from her family all these years. She explained that, in those times, it would have been a shameful thing and how my birth father did not want anything to do with her once she told him of the pregnancy.

“Her childhood and her education were not ideal. Being the oldest child, she had quit school to help on the family farm so she did what she thought was right for a child as she felt a child needed two parents, and that is what she wanted for me. She told me that she thought of me often and on every birthday. I was her first daughter and she always loved me.

“There is a sense of a hole being filled with love, and answers that I was not rejected at birth or now. My fantasy parents were not hippies; they were human and made a decision that was right at the time. I do not have, nor have I ever felt, anger about that decision.

“I found out that she thought for years that I didn’t find her earlier because I hated her. She was happy to learn that was not the case, and that I was never upset with her for placing me up for adoption.

“Now, we talk a couple of times a week and my plan is for Valerie and me to go to Winnipeg soon to meet my birth mother. My mom has sent me pictures of herself and my two sisters. My world has opened up!”

It’s been an emotional ride but one that reminds me that when people open up, take a chance, and follow a dream, sometimes the reward is better than you could have ever hoped. This isn’t just a happy ending. It’s a new beginning.