Powerful testimonies from survivors of family violence

On Thursday, November 7, the wet pavement of downtown Whitecourt was glowing from the light of tiny candles as a large group of residents walked together in silence. This was the 15th year for the candlelight vigil hosted by the Whitecourt Family Violence Initiative which featured a light dinner at Olive Tres restaurant followed by guest speakers. The walk is meant to honour those who have lost their lives to family violence or who are affected by it.

Councillor Ray Hilts was the first speaker to take the mic. He shared his personal experience with family violence from his childhood. He spoke about seeing his mother in a cast due to injury from his father. “This issue is very dear to my heart. I know how important it is to people in our community and that people are affected by this. My mom came out of it stronger. She’s an amazing woman and she’s a very strong woman.”

Next, attendees heard from Danielle St. Pierre. She talked about a boyfriend who moved into her home when she was still in high school. “It only took a couple of weeks for the abuse to start.  It started subtle with light shoving and mean words. As weeks went on, they got harder, and the words turned into threats. My life felt like it was closing in on me, and it wasn’t long before I had to wear long-sleeve shirts in the summer to hide the bruises.” St. Pierre said he ended up changing all his classes so they would be together giving her no escape, and that telling her parents didn’t help. “My mom said she would talk to him but that she couldn’t kick him out. My heart broke. I became depressed, angry, and developed an eating disorder.”

She said the only solace she had was when she visited her best friend’s house. “I confided to my best friend’s parents about what had happened to me. His dad was nice enough to pick me up from school and checked in on me to make sure I was okay. One day when he picked me up from school, he told me that he had been waiting for my boyfriend and me to break up so that we could be together. He was in his late 40s, and I was 16.”

An adult that she had received support from was stepping over the line and becoming an abuser in her life. “He told me that it was my fault for being nice to him and for looking so good. I stayed away from him and continued to hang out with my best friend without saying anything. I never told my friend out of fear that he would blame me and hate me. He is still one of my best friends and still does not know.”

She waited a long time to date again but eventually started a new relationship. Things seemed to be working very well until she discovered that she was pregnant. “At about 20 weeks pregnant, I had bought him tickets to see his favourite band in the city.” St. Pierre said her boyfriend headed to an abortion clinic rather than the hotel. “He said we were going in to get information about parenting. Upon entering, I found out that he had already made an appointment for me to have an abortion. I told him I wanted to leave and go home. A nurse called for me to have an ultrasound done. I hadn’t had one yet and even though I was scared and wanted to leave, I also wanted to see my baby. This didn’t happen. The nurse turned the screen away from me.”

As she and her boyfriend sat in the waiting area, she said she began pleading with him to leave and cried loudly. “The baby was real to me and I loved her already. I became hysterical, and he told me we weren’t leaving. A nurse came out and told me I was making a scene and that I needed to go to a different room so that I wouldn’t scare the other people.”

Even though it was clear that she didn’t want to go through with the abortion, her boyfriend refused to leave without it and no-one else was stepping in to help her. “He told me that no-one would love me and that I would be alone forever if I didn’t have the abortion.” So, she did. As her mental health continued to go down, St. Pierre said her boyfriend offered to have another baby with her. “At the time, I thought this could fix the empty spot in my heart.”

Once her son was born, the relationship got worse and she was eventually able to get away from him. Years later, she met another man who continued the cycle of abuse in her life which led to her diagnosis of PTSD. “The doctor deemed that I had been living in survival mode for years.”

St. Pierre is now in a good place. She is remarried to a wonderful man who loves her son like his own and gave her four more beautiful babies. She still thinks of her lost baby often and continues to suffer from high anxiety and panic attacks at times. “I have a long way to go, but I feel that I have climbed mountains towards recovery. What I want people to realize is that a single experience can start a cycle of abuse because it damages our self-esteem, our self-worth, and our view of the world.”

She said that through her healing, she discovered that negative views about herself started way before her first boyfriend with an unhealthy home environment. “My therapist told me I could choose to let this break me or I can use my story to help others. She said that one day I would change the world because my voice would become strong. She is a big reason for me being here today.”